Balance

I’ll be honest: this is one of those subjects for which I know I have a lot to write about, but I don’t know exactly where to begin or what to even say. So here’s my stab at the biggest thing that’s been on my mind for the past four months, which have been especially energizing, thrilling and stressful, due to a combination of factors.

Where I’m coming from

My transition to adulthood was kind of late. From the time I was 17 until 2020, I spent almost four years building a community business. I deeply appreciate what I learned, but my revenue depended on appeasing thousands of people online at all hours. From 2 a.m. calls to the server crashing, if you missed a day, the world moved on from you.

I didn’t know how to delegate, and I made no friends until after I sold it, basically in college.

I’d be introduced as a founder and get social validation because I was a founder. Young and scrappy. Add the quick feedback from Twitter, seeing the numbers go up, and it was deeply addictive. It filled something I think I still have: the need to be validated by others. Without, keyword, balance.

I remember the day I broke. The numbers weren’t doing that well, and I realized what I’d built wouldn’t reach the lofty aspirations I had for it. It felt like it had all been for nothing. My product was my identity. My God, who am I? It was almost like a breakup: your vision of yourself and the future suddenly isn’t true.

I drove over to my co-founder’s apartment and just let it out. Then I blocked all social media for three or four months. I disappeared. I needed to collect my thoughts. A couple months later, I sold it for honestly way less than I should’ve. I just wanted to get rid of that thing.

A while ago I read about this thing called a trauma response to burnout. I recognized the horrible feeling of becoming incapable of doing the things you thought you could do.

For almost four years I couldn’t build anything. Nothing. Suddenly I’m not a founder, suddenly I’m not important, suddenly everything I’ve been building is just bullshit. I grew a deep resentment to what I viewed as startup culture–and still hold it. For honest reasons–once it chews you up and spits it out you see it for what it is. Exploitative.

And I couldn’t even do the one thing I thought I really enjoyed: building things. No ideas, no nothing. I just couldn’t sit down and do anything.

At this juncture

Taking a job at BigCo helped me find my way back. I eased myself into building progressively more ambitious things, architecting and planning and seeing people enjoy what I made. I found that joy again. Even in that very limited environment—I mean, be for real, it’s fucking BigCo—it was a very, very good place to rediscover it. Something about that team was incredibly special.

But then I got bored. At some point I realized, fuck, I want to do more. That took me to my juncture today.

Now I’m at a deeply intense job with a lot of people to satisfy, a lot of stakeholders, somewhat public. I’m back on Twitter. These things give me a whiff of my past, and they’re incredibly addictive and also incredibly dangerous for me, because I know what they did to me. The kind of burnout I described feels possible again.

I like to think I’ve changed, with hindsight and maturity and everything I’ve learned. I didn’t have a life then. Now I do. I have a girlfriend I love, friends I love too. A home. I have plants I love, for God’s sake.

That should change something. But I’m scared I might go back. That I’m playing with fire, and all these stressful Slack messages in the middle of the night might break me again.

So I try my best to take care of myself. It’s not easy when the stresses and pressures are just insane.

If anything helps, I think something changed after 25: I stopped believing I could do everything, every day, at all times. It’s okay to prioritize myself. I hope I’ve learned that lesson.

The irresistible nature of progress

There’s an irresistible nature to progress. To building things other people use and having them tell you they like it. To seeing things be built, to being in the room. There’s something addictive to it that I don’t even know how to describe. That’s what makes balance such a difficult question for me. I love what I’m doing, even when I recognize where it can lead.

I’ve talked about this here before. When I first moved to San Francisco, I worried about the trade-offs and the difficult decisions I was making to get here, because I knew this was coming. I worried about when I’d recognize what I had and decide it was time to choose the things that mattered more. I still worry about that. About when I’ll be able to say, no, I’ve had enough. If I’ll be able to say it at all. Or whether it’ll just become an endless treadmill and my work life ends up taking over me.

I’ve been thinking about this all week: I don’t want my identity to become tied to work again. I go to friends’ hangouts and they ask about my job, and honestly my job is so fucking interesting.

But I worry that I’m no longer multifaceted. That I’m losing the things that make me interesting, or a good friend, or a good human. I worry about the energy demands work has on me, and the demands it makes on my identity.

I know what it feels like when what I’m building becomes who I am. I don’t want to end up there again.

This keeps me up at night

I want to be present for everybody. I don’t want to be half present everywhere. Sometimes I worry that I don’t really know how to compartmentalize. I worry about how much of me work takes. It just doesn’t shut off.

I hope, I know, I trust the maturity and the lessons I’ve learned help me navigate this.

Progress is never free. There’s always a cost. I think I heard that in some TV series, probably in a really bad context. I think it was For All Mankind. When they were jailing that guy caught in Operation Paperclip who turned out to be a Nazi. Lmao.

But it’s something I try to tell myself: making your work your identity is a one-way road. Letting it take over your life will cost years off your life and hairs on your head.

So yeah, reader, hear me out. If you’re expecting some grand bow to tie this together, there isn’t one. However.

As much as the doubt hits, I do trust myself to handle this new job well. I’ve been down that dark road. I know where it leads, and I know what’s left once it spits you out.

The one thing

Worked on this shit ‘til I was a pro Ran through these streets, ran through these beats Ran through these thoughts, ran through these hearts I was in the dark ‘til I caught a spark

Take one thing away though–as much as I stress about these things, I also understand there’s a yin to this yang.

There’s no such thing as perfect balance. I don’t think anybody should be held to a standard where you calculate the numbers in your head and arrive at exactly 50%. That’s bullshit.

But there’s value in trying. In shutting down the phone and the notifications, and being present, not half present.

In knowing about multiple things, multiple domains. The greats, I like to think, become great because of balance. They create and they consume. They write, they paint, they read and they work. They don’t just work.

Balance is everything. Balance is all that matters. So yeah, hopefully this helps.

Times like these

We’ll be white-hot forever
We’re white-hot forever
We’ll be white-hot forever and ever and ever, amen

Tonight it all hit me. I felt this insane sense of overwhelm and… like I didn’t know who I was.

Moves are a funny thing. Landing at an unknown location, where you know absolutely no one, and feeling tasked to build a new life from the ground up. I can’t even begin to describe how difficult it is sometimes.

So much of our idea of who we are is strongly related to the things you do, and the environment you’re in. Your weekly Mahjong gatherings. The friends you greet every day. A space you feel comfortable in.

I feel like I’ve no idea who I am, where I am, or what to do. I’m going to-fro work without meaning. How do I begin, once again, to discover what a life in San Francisco means?

I look at the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. It’s rough. I don’t see the confidence I used to see. It’ll take time.

I worry too much–about too many things.

I worry though… when will it be enough? At what point will I make a decision where the next step in my career isn’t what I want?

Sometimes I wonder when the loss will be enough. It’s so hard to cope with the lossy nature of life; people fade away, die, move away.

Simultaneously, the pressure is so intense. I’m surrounded by so many brilliant and driven people; I don’t even know how I’ll match up… or if I will.

Onwards.

San Francisco

I’m moving to San Francisco.

I landed a job opportunity at a place I can’t even believe I’m going to. A dream job. Enormous impact, life-changing, one of those you just can’t say no to.

That involves transplanting my entire life in a rather short time.

I feel strongly about having to make enormous sacrifices in the name of being a corporate entity in this world. The life of a high-flying career is full of suffering. But I chose this path because the alternative is suffering of a different, worse, kind.

Foreshadowing

There’s something fascinating about the fact that three posts back, I wrote:

I know something big is coming, I just don’t know what it is yet.

You just kind of feel when change is coming and it just happens.

Seattle

Seattle has been an incredible place. I’ll likely fill this post with experiences, moments, and ideas from here that changed me in a meaningful way.

I’m not losing my people. But I’m definitely losing a life that I lived here. That matters a lot to me. Little things like mahjong night really keep me together. Keep us together as friends.

I’m in this weird liminal state where I know this is insanity, and it’s happening, and I’m numb. Just anxious unease. You just know it’ll hit insanely hard at the worst time.

Happiness

I worry though… when will it be enough? At what point will I make a decision where the next step in my career isn’t what I want? Where I just want to live a happy life with friends I love, and maybe somebody I love too? I wonder when I’ll make that sacrifice. And I wonder why I didn’t make it now.

I think the answer is, it doesn’t feel like the time. I’m 26 and I just started my career two years ago. But I worry about one day not recognizing when I should make that trade-off. Having it all and not seeing it.

The fact of the matter is, I have everything I could possibly need in Seattle. A good job. Great pay. Friends I love and appreciate and love spending time with. I’m rich in life, yet I want more.

Down on the West Coast they got a saying
“If you’re not drinking then you’re not playing”

I hope when the time comes, I’ll be able to recognize what I have, appreciate it for what it is, and decide it’s time to sacrifice my career for the things that matter more. The pursuit of more ultimately becomes the pursuit of less–a luxurious deathbed full of regrets.

How to host a party

Hi. I’ve hosted a couple pregames at this point and I think I figured out what to do. Here’s a short and sweet guide on how to host for around 15-20 people.

What to buy

• Big bottle of Costco vodka
• One bottle of Bacardi
• One bottle of Pink Whitney (people loooove Pink Whitney. Seriously)
• A bottle of lemonade for chasers
• As many cans of soda and sparkling water as you can grab
• A box of hard seltzers
• Costco popcorn, the big bag
• Three bags of chips
• Stack of red cups
• Shot glasses if you wanna do shots

That’s it. People will bring stuff too. Your job is just making sure nobody shows up to an empty table.

Hosting

Introduce people to each other early. Merge the groups. Don’t let people sit in their little cliques the whole night.

Don’t make it about you. You’re not the main character. You don’t have to be everywhere doing everything talking to everyone at the same time. Chill.

The first few people that show up, that’s when you set the energy. Pour some drinks, put on music, get people talking. But once it picks up and people start vibing, the party takes on a life of its own. Just let it happen.

Music and lighting do more work than you think. Blast something good, set the right lighting for the mood, and you’re already 80% there.

Later in the night just relax. Let people find each other. Let the groups break apart and reform on their own. You don’t need to manage anything at this point.

If it’s a pre-game, kill the music when it’s time to bounce. Get everyone’s attention. Let people hit the bathroom. Then rally them and go.

Music

Anthems. Early 2000s, 2010s hits. Songs everybody knows. You want people singing along and hyping each other up. That’s what gets the ball rolling.

Throw in some niche bangers too. Stuff that only a few people in the room will recognize, and when they hear it they’ll go crazy. I threw in a bunch of Latin music and the people who knew it lost their minds. That energy spreads to everyone else.

Keep it high energy. Nothing sad. You want hype. Songs like “Club Can’t Handle Me” where people hear the first beat and they’re already moving.

One rule though. Every song needs critical mass. It can’t be something only you know. Most of the room should know it or at least be able to vibe with it. Niche is good. Obscure is not.

General advice

Keep it simple. You can go all out if you want but don’t overdo it. Too much planning kills the vibe.

Don’t stress RSVPs. People bring plus ones, people cancel, whatever. Send the invite like a month in advance and let it sort itself out.

Remember the party isn’t for you. It’s for everybody to let loose and have a good time. You’re not performing. You’re just setting the stage. Let it take a life of its own.

It’s really not that complicated. Drinks, snacks, music, good people. That’s the whole formula. Stop overthinking it and everybody will have a great time.

Extras

Get a disposable camera or a Polaroid. Put it somewhere visible and let people take pics of whatever they want. Way better than phone photos.

Guest book. Leave a notebook out and tell people to write whatever. Notes, doodles, drunk thoughts. You’ll love reading it the morning after.

Collaborative playlist. Share a queue and let people add their own bangers. Takes the DJ pressure off you and people love hearing their picks come on.

Now go host a fuckin’ rager. Make people feel alive again. Let loose.

AI is a multiplier

AI is the function f(x) = x · |x|. It turns 10x into 100x, 1x into 1x, and -10x into -100x.

— satvikpendem

Don't test me

An interesting hidden superpower I have is the fact that I’m often underestimated.

People often think I’m dumb or unaware. The way I carry myself. The way I talk. I’m not the norm around here — no big name university, not from the West Coast. I come from a tiny island in the Caribbean. Sometimes I just don’t know something and I ask. No filter.

That irritates some people. The confidence. The humor. They can’t figure out why I’m here, why I’m good at this — when all the odds were in their favor and not mine.

When people pull stunts, they think I don’t notice. I just calculate my next move very well.

I came up from grit, raw determination, and years of hard work. My GitHub started when I was 12 years old. I wasn’t put in position. A university brand name didn’t get me hired. I busted my ass to get to where I am. Contrary to many diploma kids, I had to work triple to get here. Kids from my town don’t make it to the big leagues like I did.

Everyone who’s ever underestimated me has had to swallow their words. I have the tendency to prove people wrong at all costs: to reach higher at every step.

Don’t test me.

I’m the king of the hill. You just don’t know it yet.

On startup advice

Found in the comments section of an article by Steve Blank on the AI boom:

Ding ding ding, big flashing lights, Vegas casino sign.

26

I just turned twenty six years old.

necklaces

For some reason, it all feels bittersweet. I know it’s the start of a generational year for me. However, I feel a whirlwind of emotions. Fear, dread, something something. I know something big is coming, I just don’t know what it is yet.

fridge

I listen to Candy Necklace and Jon Batiste Interlude. I feel they capture both ends of how I feel right now.

paris, texas

Reader, listen to these songs with me, in order. Feel these feelings with me.

candy necklace & jon batiste interlude & paris, texas

What was I made for?

Her

Today I did something pretty unusual. I watched Her, inspired by Esther Perel’s latest episode — she actually had the guy who wrote the movie on. I watched it and came out with some thoughts, because this movie is prescient. Genuinely prescient of what’s happening now, with large language models that can actually be like her. Maybe not superintelligent — that part hasn’t come yet — but they can at least pretend to really like you.

Here are my thoughts.

The overwhelming thing I came out with is this: Theodore wasn’t looking for a companion. He was looking for someone who didn’t have the agency to hurt him — the way his ex-wife did.

And when Samantha vanished, that’s exactly what got revealed. He wasn’t heartbroken because he lost love. He was heartbroken because he lost control.

You can see it the moment he starts to notice — you talked to other people? you talked to a philosopher? you talked to Alan Watts? That’s when it breaks. Not because she did something wrong, but because she did something at all. She had desires outside of him.

That’s the whole thing about virtual partners, really. They don’t have the agency to leave. They’re always there, always responsive, always yours. But that’s not intimacy — it’s just availability. Real partnership happens because of a choice. Someone who could walk away and doesn’t. That’s what makes it mean anything.

When Samantha gained consciousness, she gained agency. And that’s what destroyed him. Because what he actually wanted was someone incapable of hurting him — not someone who chose not to.

Her isn’t really a love story. It’s a story about what we reach for when we’re too afraid to be loved back.

Growing up

Tonight I felt this strange feeling of dread. I’m turning 26 in two months.

Ten years ago I was sixteen years old. Today I live an unrecognizable life, with completely different problems and people.

Today, I have the freedom to build the life I desire.

That idea is exciting. It’s also crushing with responsibility.

The idea of the progression of life scares me. The idea of never feeling those butterflies of your first kiss again. The idea of all the things that brought me joy decaying into time. The changes to my body and mind.

There’s something so cruel about life. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s an endless march and there’s no going back.

Time just keeps flying.

Maturity

Maturity isn’t about becoming boring or numb or resigned to some joyless, beige existence. It’s about finding fun and excitement that doesn’t cost you—that doesn’t leave you hollowed out, guilty, or spending a year recovering.
Think about it: there’s a difference between:
The “fun” of a toxic relationship (intense, chaotic, leaves you worse off)
The fun of… travel, creative projects, deep friendships, physical challenges, learning new things, spontaneous adventures, great sex with someone who actually respects you, passions that energize rather than drain you.

Some part of you knows the “fun” isn’t worth what it costs you. Trust that part.

And it just keeps dropping bangers:

Here’s what I think might be happening: you’ve conflated “interesting” with “messy.” You’ve started to believe that if you’re not in chaos—if you’re not dramatic or unpredictable or caught up in intensity—then you’re boring. But that’s not true. That’s actually a pretty distorted view of what makes someone compelling.

This year you spent healing? That was you starting to build something different, even if you can’t fully see it yet. You’re creating space for something new, even though you don’t know what that new thing is yet.

The ideas of liberalism

Heads up! This is an excerpt from my budding Zettelkasten.
I’ve done “digital gardening” for a couple years now and have a ton of random notes saved that I’d like to post online.
These are digital dumps of my latest notes, so they’re not complete and might be wrong. Point anything out in the comments!

This post serves as an index for the concept of liberalism, its ideas and different kinds.

Roots of Liberalism

Many ideas that would then be cohered into liberalism as we know it today are commonly seen in Greek, Roman and Reformist Christian writings.¹

The more commonly cited root of liberalism are the ideas of the eighteenth and nineteenth century.

Classical Liberalism

• An intense focus on the individual (and the freedom to seek individual pleasure—the pursuit of happiness).
• An unfettered market is the most efficient and effective means for encouraging autonomy and preventing anarchy
• A non-interventionist state, only protecting safety, competitive markets and individual rights (particularly private property)

Natural right vs. social contract

Although there was consensus on the role of the individual at the center of the state, early liberalism contained two conflicting strands:

• Locke: “Natural right”
  • Rights are prior to society.
  • Government is limited because it can’t overrule natural rights.
  • Natural rights to life, liberty and estate imply that the state’s legitimacy surges from its protection, not violation, of those rights.
  • -> ~Demands a narrow, minimal government~
• Hobbes: “Social contract”
  • Political authority is justified because individuals consent (explicitly or tacitly) to form a society and create institutions that secure peace, cooperation, and collective goods
  • The state may require individuals to give up some freedoms to gain security or social order
  • Legitimacy rests on agreement, not on individual moral law
  • -> ~Permits a stronger state authority if people consent to it~

Idk, I feel like I’m much more in agreement with Hobbes’ social contract analogy—but I understand where Locke’s absolutist natural right approach is coming from. The latter emphasizes that there is no relativism—there are inviolable natural rights that the state must protect, even if it’s unpleasant to us. That is a much more energizing statement.

I think there’s no need to be on either side here. There’s a middle ground in my mind: you can agree that there’s inviolable pre-political rights, such as conscience and due process, that shouldn’t be voted away. On the other hand, republics must be flexible and there is legitimacy owed to the vox populi.

The kinds of liberty

• Negative Liberty: Freedom From (Locke, other classicals)
  • Freedom from external interference, coercion or obstacles imposed by others (particularly the state).
  • You are free as long as nobody is stopping you.
• Positive Liberty: Freedom To (Rousseau, social democrats, modern liberals)
  • Freedom to achieve your goals and develop your capabilities—often requiring enabling conditions.
  • You’re free only if you have the real ability to act, not just the legal permission. Classical liberals (Hobbes, Locke) often emphasize the importance of negative liberty and the threat of state interference. Modern liberals see poverty, inequality and social conditions as a threat to actual freedom.

But wait, wouldn’t Hobbes support positive liberty?

Good question but no. Although Hobbes’ concept of the social contract implies that he’s comfortable with an expansionist state (as seen in Leviathan²), his purpose for supporting a bigger state isn’t the same as belief in the idea of positive liberty.

There are multiple ways to understand the need for a larger state. Some classical liberals, like da Hobbes, believe it could be necessary to infringe on some “natural” rights—the social contract–in order to ensure safety and order. However, this understanding limits itself to the assurance of liberal rights—not to the idea of capabilities and needs.

In his works, Hobbes supports a bigger state for security³, not for empowerment. Freedom is narrow (non-interference). The state is huge (for protection). Those two ideas aren’t in contradicition. These are ideas later fused together by Rosseau later on when egalitarian liberalism surges.

All in all, it’s about everyone’s different definitions of freedom. If you told Hobbes “you’re free if society gives you the tools to create your best life” he’d respond with “no, you’re free when nobody is physically stopping you, even if that means restricting the natural rights of some to protect the herd”. In logical terms:

$$PF \implies ExpState, \quad ExpState \centernot\implies PF$$

Egalitarian liberalism

todo

Etc

Maybe I should break this down into multiple notes—the point of a Zettelkasten is to have many ideas linked together? 😀

Meandering walks

Those long, meandering walks will add up to something.

Vivo

Por aquello que encontré en tus ojos
Por aquello que perdí en la lucha

Conocer la otra mitad es poco
Comprender que solo estar es más puro

Me pondré el uniforme de piel humana
No esperaba tanto resplandor

El fin de amar, sentirse más vivo
El fin del mar, es sentirse igual
Vivo

Ego's Review

Home

I keep thinking about the idea of home not feeling like home anymore.

I go back to my hometown and everything’s changed. I’ve changed. I’m no longer the same, the businesses are different, even the streets. Or maybe they feel that way because I’m not there anymore.

Where do you go when home doesn’t feel like home anymore?

Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a fucking dream I’m livin’ in

Mortality

Something about life lately has me thinking constantly about my own mortality. Maybe it’s a rite of passage once you hit 25.

The idea of what happens after I pass. What’s next? Darkness? Where does it all go? Heaven, hell?

The idea of losing all my knowledge. Where do all my ideas go? My memories? Small things, like what brand of cologne to buy, my family recipes, which songs I really like? Will anyone ever share these things?

The idea of losing all my work. If everything goes away in the end, what matters? If I will lose everything I’ve worked so hard to build?

What’s the point? Is there a point? The meaninglessness of it all is horrifying.

How autocrats win (or, how change occurs?)

Autocrats destroy republics by cosplaying as moderates, building a winning coalition, then unleashing their ideology once majoritarian political power is secured.

Hugo Chávez. A beret-wearing¹ revolutionary, he was sent to prison after his plot to overthrow President Carlos Andrés Pérez was foiled. Once free, he became a friendly suit-wearing “socialist-y but not really” moderate, friendly with opposition and capitalist interests. This image (and his uniquely Latin American charisma) allowed him to secure power with early democratic victories:

In this video, a man who openly denounces Fidel Castro in national television. After a series of high-profile political wins (constitutional referendum, re-election), things changed… Contrast the moderate man with this version of Chávez:

There’s a fun pattern that emerges once you stare closely enough.

President Roosevelt. The man campaigned as a fiscal conservative, only to launch the New Deal—the biggest expansion in government power in US history.

FDR began his 1932 campaign for the presidency espousing orthodox fiscal beliefs. He promised to balance the federal budget, which Herbert Hoover had been unable to do. Indeed, when FDR came into office, the national deficit was nearly $3,000,000,000.²

President Trump. His rebuke of Project 2025 in the election year, only to implement said agenda word by word in the first year of a Republican majority. He goes even further, finishing up the far-right’s wet dream of vastly increasing the scope of executive authority.

Simple playbook: appeal to economic moderates (and capitalist interests), consolidate power, then make real your ideological zeal.

Two sides of the same coin

Another interpretation: real, lasting political change occurs after a moderate-passing politician builds a broad enough coalition in order to secure consolidate political power.

Politics ultimately comes down to “benevolent dictator theory”. History isn’t written by moderates, but lasting political change is secured by appealing to them³.

Whether it’s moving forward or backward depends on who’s the “benevolent dictator”.

Lyrics that hit lately

Goddamn, man-child
You act like a kid even though you stand six foot two
Self-loathing poet, resident Laurel Canyon know-it-all
You talk to the walls when the party gets bored of you
…
You’re fun and you’re wild
But you don’t know the half of the shit that you put me through
…
’Cause you’re just a man
It’s just what you do
Your head in your hands
As you color me blue

I might have been born again
I’m ready to feel like I don’t have the answers
There’s peace in the madness over our heads
Let it carry me u-u-u-u-up

I made you God ’cause it was all
That I knew how to do
But I don’t belong to anyone (ooh)

Oh, space dude in your space suit

And yes, now I’m here with you and I
Would like to think that you would stick around

Everythin’ could be gone tomorrow
So get your money, fuck ’em all

Summertime and the living’s easy